How Far Should We Go to Make Peace with Friends?
The Bible tells us, “As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Just how far is that exactly?
One of girls I carpool to sports practice recently a story about how her best friend stopped talking to her. I’ll call her Sarah.
According to Sarah, a soft-spoken sophomore in high school, her and her best friend used to be inseparable. But out of the blue one day, the friendship began to feel inexplicably distant. The phone calls and text messages became less frequent, they stopped hanging out on weekends, until their interactions became limited to brief encounters at school. The most recent run-in left Sarah utterly devastated. “She saw me, but just talked to everyone else,” said Sarah, choking on her words. “She didn’t even say hi to me.”
The silent treatment felt deliberate to Sarah. But there was no fight or disagreement of any kind that Sarah could recall. Before anything felt off about the friendship, Sarah planned her best friend’s birthday party. They had a great time at the party. Then shortly after, they went to a sleepover and talked all night. And then a week later, without warning, the texts started to go unanswered, and eventually unread.
I reassured Sarah that this kind of shift isn’t always about something she did. Friendships—especially adolescent ones—can be unpredictable. We’ve all experienced being left in the dark with only faint clues or hints about how to repair a fading relationship. It broke my heart to see Sarah so hurt. But this particular situation angered me too. Sarah’s best friend, at least according to my book, had broken some friendship cardinal rules.
Friendship Rules I Used to Live By
I’ve always believed that before giving someone the silent treatment or cutting them out of your life completely, you should first express your grievance and make them aware of the issue. Where is the justice if you don’t give someone you once cared about a fair trial before issuing a guilty verdict in your mind?
More often than not, offenses are usually the result of a misunderstanding, are they not? And even with a little bit of context and another side to the story presented, the once glaring and hideous offense will become more muted.
I also believed – until very recently – that if a friend was too busy, too cowardly or too superior to be honest with someone they once cared about, it was fine to let them go. Cut them off like gangrene, actually. Sayonara, adios, bon voyage! This was not the kind of friend I would want within a 100-mile radius. Besides, what would be left in your control to do at that point?
Friendship Breakups Abound
It seems I was not alone in my sentiments. Consider a tweet from an influencer from Spokane Washington, which was highlighted in an Atlantic article, That’s It. You’re Dead to Me, by Kaitlyn Tiffany:
here’s your reminder that unless someone explicitly told you with their words they are upset with you, there is no need for you to worry yourself sick. you have no mental or emotional obligation to people who do not communicate with you. no matter how much you love them.
Pretty intense! The tweet was shared more than 50,000 times.
What Does the Bible Say about Friendship Rules?
Romans 12:18 tells us, “As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” But just how far is that exactly?
For most of my life, I would’ve believed Sarah had gone as far as she could. She reached out to her best friend on numerous occasions, all of which went unreciprocated and unanswered. It was clear her best friend was giving her the cold shoulder with no explanation. Time to move on.
That is until I encountered Matthew 5:23–24.
“If you are offering your gift at the altar and remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there… First go and be reconciled to them.”
Jesus tells us something very contrary to my friendship rules of order. What struck me was the part where Jesus says, “if your brother or sister has something against you…”
Jesus doesn’t say, ‘If you are the one who is angry with a brother or sister, find it in your heart to forgive and go and be reconciled to them.’
The Bible says go the extra step and reach out to someone who may not be forthcoming with you.
Even if you’re not sure what you’ve done.
Even if you may have done nothing wrong at all.
Even if all you sense is distance.
Even if reaching out feels uncomfortable and completely unfair.
Even if they don’t seem deserving of friendship.
Truth be told, it was my personal belief that people who shut loved ones out without explanation weren’t deserving of friendship. But how many of us are deserving of friendship with Jesus? And yet he grants it ever so graciously, ever so humbly, ever so persistently. The only people Jesus ever shunned were the proud – those pharisees who sat too high on their morally superior perch.
Matthew 5:23-24 humbled me. Jesus’ words encouraged me to consider my friendship rules from a different angle. I began to consider the possibility that not everyone may be as comfortable with confrontation as I am. It’s possible some people are so deep in an emotional hole, they don’t know how to claw out of it. It’s possible some people are too hurt to even utter a word. And since I’ll never able to walk two miles in someone’s shoes, it wasn’t my place to judge them either.
A Different Way Forward
I felt compelled and comfortable enough to share Matthew 5:23–24 with Sarah, knowing that as a fellow Christian, she might be open to considering an approach that is uncommon in today’s culture. I told her that despite what may feel fair, Jesus still asks us to reach out to that distant friend and try to reconcile that friendship.
Maybe let her know you miss her, I suggested.
Ask her if you had done something to offend her.
I reassured Sarah that reaching out would not mean admitting fault.
Nor would it mean excusing poor behavior.
And it certainly does not have to make her a doormat. She was not begging for friendship. She was simply trying to understand and open the door for honest dialogue.
Above all, Sarah would be in the service of a King.
Proverbs 29:25 says, “The fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.”
And Matthew 25:40 says, “What you have done for the least of these you have done for me.”
What Sarah would be saying instead is, ‘I care about this relationship enough to try, and I am God’s servant doing his work.’
And in so doing, the door would remain open for God’s divine intervention.
Of course, not every friendship will be restored, at least not at first. Some people won’t respond in kind. But the act of reaching out—of making every effort to pursue peace when you can—is what counts in God’s eyes and I believe he would reward Sarah for her faithfulness.
I can’t imagine this would be an easy thing for a teenage girl to do. But I was struck by Sarah’s maturity. She took my advice to heart and discussed it with her mom. I think in her shattered heart of hearts, she wanted to try one more time to salvage the friendship too.
Since her calls were going unanswered she texted her best friend. She let her best friend know she missed her. And asked her if she was upset or if Sarah had done something to hurt her. She received a message the next day, but it was shrill.
“Nothing’s wrong. You didn’t do anything wrong,” the text read. “I just think high school is taking us in different directions.”
There it was.
This, I believe, was as far as Sarah could go. And as heart wrenching as it was for Sarah, I think she also got the closure she needed.
The Growing Friendship Recession
Sarah is not alone in this experience. In fact, research points to a growing loneliness epidemic, driven in part by how easily we now seem to end friendships. In today’s culture, we are often quick to walk away from relationships at the first sign of disappointment or inconvenience. We tell ourselves, “I don’t need a friend like that in my life,” or, “I don’t have time for people like that.”
While technology and busy schedules may limit our ability to build new, meaningful relationships, we are also losing existing friendships at an alarming rate. In a 2021 national survey by the Survey Center on American Life, nearly half of adults reported losing touch with at least a few friends within the previous year, while 9% said they had lost contact with most of their friends. The study also found that the percentage of adults with ten or more close friends fell from 33% in 1990 to just 13% in 2021.
How Far Should We Go to Reconcile a Friendship?
Friendships that endure the test of time require effort, patience, and grace. If you find yourself in difficult friendship situation like Sarah, consider the following things you can still do – even when you’ve hit a roadblock.
1. Reach out, even if it feels uncomfortable. You don’t need all the answers to begin a difficult conversation. But Jesus asks us to go the extra distance and reach out to a brother or sister who is seemingly distant with you, the way Sarah did.
2. Give space when needed. It might be tempting to answer a rejection with finality. Try not to bark back by saying something like, “If you’re going to act like this, I don’t need friends like you.” Growth takes time, but God can work miracles if the door remains open. Resist the urge to end things abruptly.
3. Don’t slander. It may be tempting to speak poorly of someone who is behaving immaturely or giving you the cold shoulder without explanation. But avoid taking revenge by tearing them down with words you can’t take back. This also applies to words you may be telling yourself. It’s ok to feel anger. But you don’t need to fuel that flame by replaying the reel over and over in your mind.
4. Pray for them. Prayer is a critical component because it’s actually quite difficult to remain bitter towards someone you are actively praying for. Even if you may not want that kind of friendship anymore, you can still pray for their well-being. As C.S. Lewis so wisely points out, virtue is not defined by how you feel, but by what you choose to do despite those feelings. You don’t have to feel warm towards someone to pray for them.
5. Protect your heart. Leaving the door open does not mean leaving the door open for someone to trample on your heart repeatedly. Proverbs also wisely tells us to guard our hearts. So protect your heart by investing in other relationships. No single friendship should carry the full burden of fulfilling all of your relational needs because no single person can fill those shoes. Lean into other friendships, especially your relationship with Jesus, because he is the only one who will never let you down.
So, Stop Breaking Up with Friends
Friendships can heal in unexpected ways. People grow. Misunderstandings fade. And what once felt broken can, with time and care, be restored. Truth be told, some of my closest friends today are those I couldn’t stand in high school. It makes me laugh to think about how immature we used to be. But those relationships that seemed the most tumultuous while growing up, after having stood the test of time, perhaps because they have stood the test of time, have also become some of my strongest friendships.
As I reflect on the amazing circle of friends I’ve been able to retain through the years, I’m amazed at how God’s divine intervention mended relationships in the most surprising way. So stop breaking up with friends. You never know which ones will blossom if you just allow a little bit of light to shine through.
