How Far Should We Go to Make Peace with Friends?

One of girls I carpool with recently shared a story about how her best friend stopped talking to her. I’ll call her Sarah.

According to Sarah, her and her best friend used to be inseparable. But slowly the phone calls and text messages became less frequent. They stopped hanging out on weekends, until their interactions became limited to brief encounters at school. 

But the most recent encounter left her utterly devastated. “She saw me,” Sarah said, “but just talked to everyone else. She didn’t even say hi to me today.”

What made the situation more confusing for Sarah was there was no fight or disagreement of any kind. Before she felt anything off about the friendship, Sarah recalled planning her best friend’s bday party. They had a great time at the party. Then shortly after, they went to a sleepover and talked all night. And then a week later, without warning, the texts started to go unanswered, and eventually unread. 

I reassured Sarah that this kind of shift isn’t always about something she did. Friendships—especially adolescent ones—can be unpredictable. Still, it broke my heart to see her so hurt. We’ve all been there, in the dark with only faint clues or hints about how to repair a fading relationship. But truth is, Sarah’s best friend angered me too because she had broken my cardinal rule of friendship. 

Friendship Rules I Used to Live By 

I’ve always believed that when a friend is hurt, it is the job of the person who feels wronged to voice their concerns before giving someone the silent treatment or cutting someone out of their lives entirely. Where is the justice if you don’t give a friend a fair trial before issuing a guilty verdict in your mind?  

More often than not, offenses are usually the result of a misunderstanding, are they not? And even with a little bit of context and another side to the story presented, the once glaring and hideous offense will become more muted.

And until very recently, I also believed that if a friend was too busy, too cowardly or too superior to be honest with someone they once cared about, it was fine to let them go. Cut them off like gangrene, actually. Sayonara, adios, bon voyage! This was not the kind of friend I would want anyway. Besides, what would be left in my control to do at that point? 

Friendship Breakups Abound

It seems I was not alone in my sentiments. To capture the cultural zeitgeist, consider a tweet from a 21-year-old influencer from Spokane Washington, which was highlighted in an Atlantic article, That’s It. You’re Dead to Me, by Kaitlyn Tiffany: 

here’s your reminder that unless someone explicitly told you with their words they are upset with you, there is no need for you to worry yourself sick. you have no mental or emotional obligation to people who do not communicate with you. no matter how much you love them.

Pretty intense! The tweet was shared more than 50,000 times. 

What Does Faith Say About Friendship Rules? 

Scripture tells us, “As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

But what does that look like when the other person is closed off, like Sarah’s friend.

For most of my life, I believed it was fine to cut people like Sarah’s friend out of your life. You tried. They won’t reciprocate and provide no explanation. You’ve done what you can. 

That is until I encountered Matthew 5:23 -24.

“If you are offering your gift at the altar and remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there… First go and be reconciled to them.” 

This verse flipped my friendship cardinal rules on its head. What struck me was the part when Jesus says, “… if your brother or sister has something against you…”  

The Bible doesn’t say, “Wait until they’re ready to come to you.”

The Bible says go. 

Even if you’re not sure what you’ve done.

Even if all you sense is distance.

Even if reaching out feels uncomfortable—or completely unfair.

This notion was so unsettling at first because if I’m being honest, I don’t inherently believe people who shun others without explanation deserve friendship. I detest passive aggression. But I realized that self-righteous belief doesn’t hold up in the face of God’s grace and forgiveness. How many of us deserve friendship with Jesus? 

A Different Way Forward

So the next time I saw Sarah, I shared the Bible verse with her. I encouraged her to reach out to her friend and ask her directly what was wrong. Let her best friend know she missed her and ask her if she had done something to offend her. 

I reassured Sarah that reaching out doesn’t mean admitting fault.

It doesn’t mean excusing poor behavior.

And it certainly doesn’t mean becoming a doormat.

Instead, you’re saying,  ‘I care about this relationship enough to try.’

‘I am God’s servant and doing his work.’

And it simply means leaving the door open for God’s divine intervention. 

Of course, not every friendship will be restored. Some people won’t respond. Some relationships won’t change, at least not at first. But the act of reaching out—of making every effort to pursue peace where you can—is what counts.

I was surprised by Sarah’s maturity and to learn she took my advice. Since her calls were going unanswered. She texted her best friend. The next day she eventually but the the response was shrill.

“Nothing’s wrong and no, you didn’t do anything,” it read. “I just think high school is taking us in different directions.” 

In my interpretation of The Book, I believe Sarah went as far as she could. And I think Sarah had the closure she needed at this point. 

The Growing Friendship Recession

Sarah is not the only one encountering situations like this. Research points to a growing loneliness epidemic so concerning the U.S. Surgeon General has declared it a public health concern. Technology and busy schedules are certainly keeping us from forming new quality relationships, but we are also losing current friendships at an astounding rate. We may be too quick to give up on friendships that don’t suit our convenience. 

Friendships, like anything worthwhile, require effort. They require patience. And sometimes, they require grace—especially when things feel unclear or unresolved.

What You Can Do

If you find yourself in Sarah’s position—or any situation where a friendship feels distant—consider this:

• Reach out, even if it feels uncomfortable. You don’t need all the answers to start the difficult conversation. 
• Give space when needed. Don’t shut the door on a friendship, even when they’ve shut the door on you. God can work miracles, if you just allow him time. 
• Don’t slander. It might be tempting to bad mouth someone who has treated you poorly, but don’t nurture your anger by slandering your ex-friend. And don’t nurture the anger in your own mind either by replaying the event over and over in your mind. 
• Pray for them. Remember virtue is not how you feel, but what you do in spite of how you feel. You don’t have to feel friendly towards someone to pray for them. But it’s very hard to hate someone you are praying for. You don’t even have to pray that an old friend will come back into your life. But you can pray for their well-being. 
• Protect your heart. Leaving the door open doesn’t mean allowing repeated hurt. Proverbs also says to protect your heart. 
• Invest in other relationships. No single friendship should carry all your emotional weight. Because no one person can fill your void. Lean into other friendships, especially the one you have with Jesus. He draws closest to you when you are heartbroken anyway. 

Most importantly, resist the urge to end things abruptly. Not every relationship is meant to last forever—but many deserve more time, more understanding, and more effort than we give them.

Leaving the Door Open

It’s tempting, especially when we’re hurt, to respond with finality—to send the last word, close the chapter, and move on.

But sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is leave the door slightly open for God’s miracle. 

Friendships can heal in unexpected ways. People grow. Misunderstandings fade. And what once felt broken can, with time and care, be restored. You don’t have to force reconciliation. You don’t have to chase someone endlessly.

But you don’t need to break up with an old friend.