It’s OK To Be Excluded
Mel Robbins, in her smash book, “Let Them,” chronicles an intense jealous and bitter time in her adult life because she felt excluded from friends. As a mom with young children, she found herself in a fun community with two other couples where they shared many communal moments from sporting events for their kids to weekend BBQs. She referenced this time as one of the most fun times in her life.
Meanwhile, one of her best friends, who was living farther away, was longing for this type of community. Mel and her husband encouraged this couple to move closer to them. And they did! And not only did they move in her city, but on the same street as her two other couple friends. She imagined the four couples becoming the best of friends.
And at first, it was this dreamy. But soon the three couples that lived on the same street began doing things without Mel and her husband. In retrospect, she could see that proximity (one of the 3 pillars of friendships she speaks about) contributed largely to this development. But at the time, all she could feel was rage. A jealous rage. Her best friend had taken her place and she could not shake her resentment.
Mel said she acted like a monster. And it was no wonder they stopped being invited at all. Who would want that energy around at a BBQ?
But who of us can’t relate to Mel? Haven’t we all been here? Unfortunately, the feelings of being left out is a lifelong struggle it seems, not something you graduate from once you are done with your teen years. The structure of life is that we can’t always be invited to everything.
So what can we do? Of course, we can rage, like Mel did. But she advises against it.
The bible states that a patient man has great wisdom. We are not predispositioned to be patient, though some temperaments seem to lend more easily to patience. But that is just outward manifestation. You don’t know what goes inside the mind of any one person. True patience, requires wisdom.
And the wisdom that we need to have patience with friends when we feel excluded is by understanding how friendships form.
Let Them****
In The Let Them Theory, the central idea is that many friendship struggles come from trying to control other people’s choices, feelings, or level of investment. The book encourages a two-part mindset:
- “Let Them” — Let people make their own choices, include who they want, invite who they want, and show up as they choose.
- “Let Me” — Let me decide how I respond, where I invest my energy, and whether a relationship is healthy and reciprocal.
Regarding friendships, Robbins emphasizes that friendships naturally evolve throughout life. Instead of chasing people who aren’t showing up for you, focus on nurturing relationships that are mutual and aligned.
The 3 Pillars of Friendship
Robbins discusses friendship as resting on three key elements:
- Proximity
- Friendships often form because people are regularly around each other: school, sports teams, church, work, neighborhoods, clubs.
- Many friendships fade when proximity changes, and that’s normal—not necessarily a sign that anyone did something wrong.
- Timing
- Friendships depend on whether two people are in similar life stages and have the capacity for connection at the same time.
- Sometimes a friendship weakens not because of conflict, but because one person is focused on other priorities, relationships, family, or personal challenges.
- Energy
- The most important pillar.
- This refers to mutual effort, interest, trust, and investment.
- Healthy friendships involve both people reaching out, making time, and caring about the relationship.
- When the energy is one-sided for a long time, Robbins encourages accepting that reality rather than constantly trying to force closeness.
What the Book Says About Being Left Out
One of the stories many readers remember is when Robbins saw social media posts of friends gathering without her. Instead of spiraling into “Why wasn’t I invited?” she practiced:
Let them go on the trip.
Let them invite who they want.
Let me stop making it mean something about my worth.
Her point is that being left out often hurts because we create a story that it means we’re unwanted or unimportant. The “Let Them” approach is to accept others’ choices and not tie your value to whether you were included in a particular event.
Maintaining Friendships
The book suggests:
- Invest in people who invest back.
- Don’t keep score over every invitation.
- Accept that some friendships are seasonal.
- Focus on creating new friendships rather than clinging to fading ones.
- Stop chasing validation from people who consistently don’t make room for you.
- Put your energy into relationships where the effort is reciprocal.
One message that resonates with many teens and parents is:
Not everyone is meant to be a close friend forever, and someone else’s choice not to include you is not proof that you are unworthy of friendship.
That’s very much in line with the book’s broader theme: let others be who they are, and then choose where you want to invest your own time, attention, and heart.
Focus instead on what you bring the table. What kind of friend are you? Are you loyal, resourceful, fun, encouraging, forgiving? What kind of friend do you want to become?
Is anything excellent or praiseworthy? Think about these things and mimic them.
Remind yourself of this everyday. So that when you show up to a new team, or an old team, a club meeting, or happy hour, you show up as the most confident person in the room. Because you know everyone could use a friend like you in what is becoming a very very lonely world.
Don’t be overly sensitive. You’ve excluded people without meaning to. People will exclude you without meaning to. Some will exclude you just to make you feel bad. Make a clear distinction between the two. And stop throwing pearls to pigs be trampled on. If your efforts aren’t reciprocated, stop investing them. But don’t stop after one or two attempts.
